At the age of twenty I felt like my life was coming to an end. I used to say, "I won't make twenty-one."
The strain of living a double life, frantically trying to hide my homosexual actions, had reached its peak. I was going crazy! I did not want to be gay. I needed help.

In desperation, I decided to talk to my parents. Tearfully, I shared with them that I was gay, and that I wanted help. They were not totally surprised. They had wondered many times why I had such intense relationships with men, and hardly any interest in women.
"Why don't you become a priest?" my Dad suggested. That was hardly an answer to my dilemma. "Will you help me get some counseling?" I asked. They agreed and I saw a therapist for a short time. He encouraged me that coming to terms with my self-hatred would solve everything. "It's OK to be gay." I wondered, "Isn't there any hope of change?"
I grew up in a rural community outside Portland, Oregon, in a Christian home and attended a Christian grade school. As I grew older, I began to question the faith of my childhood. "Did God make a mistake when He made me?" I wondered. "Was I supposed to be a girl?"
I was more comfortable doing the 'girls' activities; always staying in the safety of home, yet wanting to be a part of the activities my brothers shared. I felt like I was on the inside looking out at a world I didn't fit into. Anything that had to do with sports or competition scared me. I hated being made fun of, being called a 'sissy', so I avoided learning activities that would bring about ridicule. I feared people's opinions of me. All I wanted was to be liked, especially by men. Masculinity scared but still intrigued me.

My dad worked hard to support the family; at times working two jobs. I didn't think he liked me. He was harsh and critical. I was whinny and a bit spoiled. We could not connect. In reaction, I began to resent him, and eventually I rejected him, as a father and role model. My mom, on the other hand, was a friend to me. I admired her loving nature and shared many interests with her. She played a key role in shaping my identity.
When I was four years old, an older boy in the neighbourhood took an interest in me and gave me attention. I enjoyed it not knowing that it was inappropriate. Then, when I was seven, another older boy drew me into physical sexual behaviour. Again, I liked the contact but this time, I did feel guilty. It was then that the word 'queer' was used and suddenly I had a label to put with my feelings.

In school I was involved in music and art. They were a refuge from my insecurities. As I grew older my fears increased. The ongoing nagging problem was that I did not like who I was. I considered suicide at the age of thirteen, but could not go through with it. The next year I began using drugs and alcohol.

In an effort to be liked, I came up with an image that people would accept. I created a hardened exterior, to protect my vulnerable self. I grew my hair long, wore torn clothes, became rebellious towards my parents and dreamed of making it as a rock star. Then, I stopped going to church. My sexual desires had been suppressed, but I began to act them out. First through fantasy and masturbation, and then through sexual contact with other guys. This was painstakingly hidden; my secret life. The town I lived in was small, and any hint of being a homosexual meant ridicule and abuse. I became a great liar. The fear of my secrets being found out haunted me.

After high school, I moved to Portland. The city had more sexual opportunities and I discovered a few gay bars. Still, even in the city, the fear of being identified as gay was more than I could handle. However, the more I read the more confused I became. Was there hope for change? I searched Eastern philosophies, meditation, self-hypnosis and self-help books but these all required discipline and inner strength, the very thing I was lacking. Upon reaching this dead end, I concluded that I would be a homosexual all of my life. I decided that I should be involved in legitimising my sexual preference. I needed to "fight for my rights."
I started a full time job, and at the same time became friends with a Christian. He was different than the Christian people I had known growing up. My religious background and my so-called search for truth led into many discussions of who God was. He invited me over to dinner with his family. We talked about Jesus and I came to realize that I didn't know who he was talking about. The God of my childhood was cold and distant. His God was personal and powerful. Soon, I found myself praying to know this God. God met me in a very personal way. I made a commitment to follow Him. I asked forgiveness for having lived a life of selfish pleasure seeking. The love of God overwhelmed me. It was my sinfulness that drove me to God, yet it was His love that drew me to Him.
I didn't know how He was going to do it, but I knew I had found the way out of my homosexual struggle. I went on a cleansing spree that was inspired by the Holy Spirit. I removed everything from my home that was in conflict with my new found faith. I flushed drugs down the toilet; I tossed out books and records. All I wanted to do was to talk about my relationship with God. The people I hung out with soon found me annoying. I made them uncomfortable. I was challenged to stand with God, whether or not friends or family supported me. Up until then, I had lived for the approval of others. Could I live with just the approval of God?

I started going to a church. I would stay near the back and run out as soon as service was over. I loved God but felt so inadequate in relating to people that I would avoid them. Eventually I was asked to pass out the bulletin since I was already standing by the door. It forced me to meet people. God showed me His sense of humour. Slowly, I got to know some people, but the subject of my homosexual struggle was still a dark secret. This was not an easy time. I remember craving intimacy, so intensely that I would curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. I had no one to talk to. I had stopped having sex with others, but fantasy and masturbation were a constant struggle.

Late one night, I got a threatening phone call from a man who accused me of being gay. All I could say into the receiver was, "Jesus was changing me." It became clear that I could not go on battling this alone. I made an appointment with my pastor and surprisingly, he was very positive. One Sunday, the other guy who handed out bulletins shared that his neighbours were homosexual, and he felt they should know that they were going to hell. My pastor interrupted him and said that, I had something I wanted to share. My mouth was dry, and my knees shaking, I quietly shared that I had been a homosexual and that God was healing me. It was out! For the first time in my life, my homosexual struggle was out in the open. I wanted to run out, but people stopped me, and said they were moved by my honesty.

Another turning point came in my relationship with my dad. He became ill and required a dangerous surgery. Suddenly, I was filled with emotions I had not felt before. I loved him and did not want him to die. God had softened the years of hardening in my heart toward him, and I let go of all that I was holding against him. I asked Dad's forgiveness for how I had treated him all these years. Our relationship began to be healed.
Through these challenges, my self-image began to change. I was becoming the man God had intended. Many things would follow over the years to bring about change as I followed God's leading. The most profound was my relationship with my wife. Our courtship was the sweetest time in both our lives. I had never experienced feelings for a woman, but my feelings for Patty were strong.

Who could have imagined that someone who was involved in drugs, alcohol and gay sex would be getting married. Now, thirteen years and five children later, we are still enjoying God's blessing. I got involved in ministry to let others, like myself, know that there was a way out. With God, nothing is impossible.

For years, I tried to hide the growing emotional insecurity I felt that led me towards my secret attraction to men. I knew I couldn't tell anyone, until a ray of hope poured into my world.

I was 14 and sat alone in my grandparent's house with a Bible in my lap. Since my father was an Episcopal minister and I was raised in a Christian home I was familiar with many Bible stories but that day I desperately needed to know what God had to say about homosexuality. After reading, it was clear from His word, that God considered homosexuality a sin. This made me more confused than ever.

Not long before, I had a dream that I was involved in homosexual behaviour. I woke up scared and confused. After that, I recognized a growing strong desire to be physically close to my male peers. I felt there was something very wrong with me. I had not asked for these feelings, but as time passed, they only seemed to intensify.

I didn't know where these desires were coming from, and I knew I didn't want them. And I also knew I had to keep this part of me a secret. I prayed earnestly for God to take the desires away but unfortunately, they didn't go away. "Why wasn't He answering my prayers," I questioned, and wondered if God really even cared.

High School was a confusing time. Unsure of my identity, I sought out guys who I could be emotionally close to, all the while wishing for a physical connection as well. One friend and I engaged in some sexual experimentation. The experience satisfied some curiosity my fantasy life had created. Soon after, this friend became the centre of my emotional world. I continued to pray, but God still did not take away my desires.
As a senior, I finally gathered up enough nerve to reach out for help. I found the number for a teen counseling help line and called. After nervously rattling off my story to the teen hotline worker, she coldly replied, "The guy who deals with the gays will be in on Friday." I threw the phone down in frustration and climbed on my red Honda Elite scooter and sped through the side streets of Southeast Portland, angry and hopeless, hoping to kill myself by slamming into a parked car. But God stopped me and calmed my heart.

By the fall of 1990, I had a "girlfriend" who went to my parent's church. We started to "date" and I pretended to be interested in her, but the strain of my conflicted feelings was beginning to be apparent to those who knew me. In a frightening conversation, I confided my struggle to her. Surprisingly, she had hopeful words for me. She tracked down the phone number of the Portland Fellowship. I nervously made the phone call that would soon change my life.

Phil Hobizal, the Fellowship director, answered the phone, and after listening to me pour out my struggle, encouraged me that he could help. Change was possible and we arranged to meet the following week. His words were the best news I had ever heard. I didn't know if I could wait that long!

A few days later, and still riding on a wave of excitement, I told my parents about my struggle. I approached my mum with the intimidating words, "Mum, there's something I need to tell you. I struggle with homosexual tendencies…" She stopped me and said, "Wait, let me get your father, he needs to hear this too." I tried to stop her. I didn't think I could talk to my dad about my secret. I had always felt distant from him. While I frequently shared my thoughts and feelings with my mum, I never felt like I had that freedom with my dad. Nervously, I paced the house as she went outside and called in my father. They sat down. I told them that I struggled with homosexual desires but that I didn't want to be gay. I also told them about the hope I learned about from the Portland Fellowship. It only took a few minutes to say, but it was a lot to drop on my parents.

I left their house feeling a freedom that I had never before experienced. The weight of the secret I had kept for years began to evaporate. I later found out that my parents were up most of that night, talking, crying, and praying. They got very little sleep and my dad had to preach in the morning. I went to church and before the service, dad took me outside. He told me that he had seen many people with serious problems during his years of ministry, but hadn't seen anyone deal with a problem so diligently. He told me that he had never been so proud of me as he was that day. Dad truly blessed me with his loving and supportive words. God was providing an answer.

My first year of involvement at the Portland Fellowship was difficult. During their Tuesday night meetings I learned about the roots of my homosexual desires, God's plan of forgiveness, and the freedom from homosexual struggle. However, occasionally on weekends, I would drive my scooter to downtown Portland and check out what was available in the gay community, hoping someone or something could fill the still gaping pit of emotional need.

Pornography had a strong pull in my life, which was a barrier to my ability to grow in what I was learning about God. It took a full year of participation with the Portland Fellowship before I was even able to realize that I could not have it both ways. I could not follow God and continue to hold out hope of satisfying this homosexual urge within.
By this time I was attending Bible college alongside of Portland Fellowship. Phil asked me if I would consider being a small group leader and I accepted. At school, I lived in the dorm and began to share my struggle with some of the guys in my section. It was a terrifying risk to take, and although not everyone knew quite how to handle this issue, I didn't experience rejection. One of the first guys I shared with became one of my closest friends.

God had heard me and was answering my prayers. His desire was not just to take away all my problems, but also to provide the Body of Christ to come along side to support and encourage me. It was through being open and sharing my struggle with others that I began to have my real needs fulfilled.

I continued to volunteer at the Portland Fellowship and to walk in submission to God. Suddenly, I could see the intense emotional needs for male friendship were driving my desires. But slowly, through positive male friendships, my homosexual desires began to fade away. Awesome lessons were learned and powerful healing took place.

One of the greatest steps I made in the change process began one night with my dad. We set up a time where just he and I could go out to dinner and talk--straight from our hearts. For the first time, my dad and I shared with each other the most personal things in our lives. I felt a new connection to him--one that began to take away some doubt and uncertainty about our relationship.

In January of 1994, I became part of the Fellowship staff. I wanted the opportunity to tell people that change was possible and hopefully reach teenagers with the good news of freedom from a life dominated by sin.
I continued to mature over the next few years working in ministry and attending classes to complete my degree in Biblical studies. One day, while hanging out with some friends at the coffee shop of the Bible College, I looked across the table and noticed a beautiful young woman. Her smile and friendly nature attracted my attention. With the encouragement of my friends, I got up the nerve to ask her out. She slowly became my first real girlfriend.

Amy knew nothing about homosexuality except that it was weird, but her love for the Lord enabled her to understand this confusing issue. Through her desire to know me better and learn what I do, she participated in the 8-month Portland Fellowship program.

A year-to-the-day from the night of our first date, I took Amy to Multnomah Falls--the spot where my dad had proposed to my mom. I dropped down on one knee and asked Amy to be my wife. She was so startled, that I almost dropped her ring over the bridge! Thankfully, she said yes.

Amy and I were married on March 15, 1997, in a beautiful ceremony at Community Bible Fellowship. Our friends and loved ones were right by our sides supporting us the whole way through. We entered marriage with an incredible honeymoon in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

Christ is truly a God of mercy and grace. Strangely enough, I am now very grateful to have experienced homosexual struggles. When I submitted them to God, I gave Him permission to mould and shape me into the man I am today. I am thankful He chose me to help reach out to hurting and lost people, and am thankful He granted me the desires of me heart. In Him, there are no secrets. He truly is a great and Mighty God!
My parents divorced when I was five. My dad took my sister and me to a park, knelt down beside us, and told us good-bye. For the rest of my childhood, I lived with a continuous insecurity that the people I loved would always walk out of my life.

Around other boys, I felt terribly insecure and different, and because I wasn't good in sports and was effeminate, they called me names like fag, queer and sissy.

I started drinking alcohol when I was 14. I drank to numb the pain inside and to escape from my feelings of self-hatred and inadequacy. Then, when I was 15, a girl from school told me about Jesus Christ while we were talking on the phone one day. I believed everything she said about the Bible, and, after hanging up the phone, I knelt down and asked Jesus to come into my life. I sought him fervently after that, but since no one else in my family was a Christian, I fell away after six months.
When I was a senior in high school, a friend took me to a gay bar for the first time. A whole new world opened up to me. All the attention I got from other men was overwhelming. I soon fell in love with a guy named Curt. Our sexual relationship seemed so natural, and I slipped into the gay lifestyle and let go of my childhood dream of having a wife and family. But my relationship with Curt began to deteriorate and we split up after a year. Once again I lost someone who I thought would stay with me forever. Our break-up was so hard on me that I dropped out of college and moved back home with my mother.

My drinking increased, and I became so miserable that I tried to take my life. Then, due to my poor self-image and lack of money, I started working as a male prostitute. I'd be dropped off at a hotel room and sell my body for $80 an hour. By the end of that summer, I was emotionally burned out. I remember crying myself to sleep after I came home from allowing myself to be sexually used all night.

Another significant event happened that summer. At a gay bar, I saw a male friend dressed like a woman. His feminine appearance looked so real. I was fascinated and one night he put makeup and a wig on me. I was astonished to see a beautiful "woman" looking back at me.
Over the next three years I threw everything into being the best woman I could. I was proud to be a drag queen and even adopted the name "Candi." Soon I became popular as a female impersonator, not just locally but in neighbouring states as well. But inside I still hated myself. One night on the dance floor I said to God, "I know you can help me--someday I'll come back to you."

In October 1985, my psychologist confronted me about my heavy drinking. I began attending AA meetings. After six months of sobriety, my head began to clear. One day I put all of my dresses, high heels, wigs, jewellery and makeup into a cardboard box and threw it into a dumpster. "Candi, I don't need you anymore. I'm saying good-bye," I said. My drag friends tried to convince me that I'd be back.

Very shortly after that, a college pastor from a nearby church asked if he could talk to me. He came to my apartment and told me about Jesus Christ. I stopped him after twenty minutes and said, "I know all about the Gospel. I used to be a Christian when I was 15. But I was born gay, so forget it!"

"No, you weren't," he answered. Then he read from Genesis 2: "And God created man...male and female... And God saw all that he had made, and behold, it was very good." The truth came shining through. I was convinced that homosexuality was not something I was born with or something I had to stay in. That week I dug out my Bible and started to read it again. After wrestling with the decision for days, I knelt down beside my bed. "Lord, I don't know how to get out of homosexuality, but I will follow you. No matter how difficult it gets, I'll never turn away from you again." It was February 10, 1987. I had finally found someone who would never leave me.

Something inside me was different now. At a gay AA meeting, the topic of whether homosexuals go to heaven came up. "It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight," I told them, "If we believe in Jesus Christ we'll go to heaven." My friends were shocked. They'd never heard me say such a thing before. Most of them I never heard from again.

Over the next year, I struggled quite a bit. I had gotten rid of all my homosexual paraphernalia and pornography, but I was terribly afraid of rejection by straight men, even at my church. During that time I found the name of a Christian ministry that reached out to homosexuals. I contacted the ministry and eventually moved to the town where it was located. As I was leaving, my mother said, "John, you've worked hard to change your life this past year. I'm so proud of you." "I only had Christ to lean on," I told her. "He did the changing--not me."

With that Christian ministry's help, I discovered that my concept of God was distorted. I had a difficult time accepting the reality of his total love and acceptance. The concept of being loved for just being me was totally incomprehensible. But God wanted to change my identity as a man. He did, and over time I no longer doubted his acceptance of me. I was also finally able to forgive my parents for their emotional neglect and the ways I felt they had rejected me.

My process out of homosexuality has been slow, but solid. My male friendships have eventually grown to a place where I feel secure in my masculinity and know who I am among other men. And at some point, even though Christ had filled the empty places of my heart, he also gave me the desire to have someone else there. In 1991 I fell in love with a beautiful, godly woman who had also come from a homosexual background. We were married in 1992. I cried all the way through our wedding vows, knowing Christ was fulfilling my dream. God's transforming power was so evident during our wedding that my mother and stepfather prayed to receive Jesus Christ that night. In the past, I could never say, "I'm a man." But now I'm a different person, a "new creature in Christ." I can be loved just because I'm his.

In the past, there were many masks I hid behind to protect myself from being hurt again. But now I see that they only stood in the way of God's love reaching through to me. In Jesus Christ I've found the love and acceptance I was looking for all along.

I grew up as a classic tomboy, mostly playing cowboys and Indians or cops and robbers. When I was about four-years old, an event happened which profoundly shook my inner security. A teenage boy approached me sexually, and then warned me not to tell my parents. I never said a word; fearful that we'd both get into big trouble. This silence left me to reap a lot of self-inflicted pain, and the whole incident only reinforced my tomboy image. I didn't feel protected or valued as a girl.

I also craved special affirmation as a girl from my dad, but couldn't tell him why. For years I believed lies about myself, God and men. The sexual experience (when I was four) kept me from embracing femininity, which, to me, meant being weak and vulnerable.

Then I found myself having crushes on some of my girlfriends. I was talented in athletics, so I joined the softball team in high school, but continued to avoid most feminine activities. I didn't feel pretty or lovable.
At church, the youth group seemed shallow. I felt disappointed that everyone behaved just like the non-Christian kids at school, and I became disillusioned. Soon I discarded church altogether, and began getting into wild behaviour: drinking, dating three boys at one time, and eventually exploring homosexual relationships.

Then I went to college and met Sara. She seemed so confident and strong as a woman. Men adored her, but they only seemed to ridicule and use me. It was then, in early 1982, I realized my feelings for Sara were sexual. So I decided to look up an old boyfriend to "test" my orientation. Although he was a nice guy, I felt no attraction to him. After that, I decided to pursue my attractions for women. At the suggestion of a gay counselor, I joined the college gay/lesbian group.
During one of those meetings, I had a piercing thought, "There really is something wrong with this lifestyle." I was heartbroken by the words that shattered my dreams of finding happiness with a female life- partner. After the meeting, I went home and cried. "God," I prayed, "please show me who you are, and fill the void in my heart."

After that prayer, I began experiencing a new hunger to know Jesus Christ. Within six months, I made a firm decision to forsake homosexuality and follow him. But, unfortunately, none of the leaders on campus or at church knew how to give me hope that my sexual attraction for women would change. My commitment to Christ, however, enabled me to persevere in the face of this discouragement. I immersed myself in Christian activity, although the homosexual attractions never went away.
Eventually I fell into a sexual relationship with Laura, a Christian girlfriend who, like me, struggled with lesbianism. Laura and I looked to each other for emotional fulfilment. At first, it seemed like many of my childhood dreams were being fulfilled through our relationship. But along with some satisfaction came conviction, deception and emotional instability. Laura became my top priority over work, family and friends. Many areas in our lives suffered as a result. Laura even battled with suicidal thoughts. Then Laura and I tried to remain friends, but stop the sexual part of our relationship. But it never worked, because we never addressed the underlying issues.

Finally, after three months of resisting God, I said a very honest prayer: "Lord, you know that I really enjoy this lifestyle, but I want you to be my first love. I need your help. I need you to change my heart." This prayer marked a major turning point in my life.

Shortly after my prayer, Laura and I had dinner with a Christian woman who was a former lesbian. She listened to our story and our questions, and through her we made contact with a Christian ministry solely devoted to helping people overcome homosexuality. The people loved us and cared for us, and eventually Laura and I agreed to give our relationship to God and avoid all contact with each other.

Though angry and frustrated over the break-up with Laura, I continued going to the ministry's meetings for the next 18 months. The insights I gained there were incredibly valuable. I learned how to look for patterns in my same-sex attractions, so I could understand the underlying needs, which sparked the temptations in the first place.

I continued to grow in my relationship with God, and eventually I realized that something had changed deep inside of me. God changed my sexual identity from ex-gay to godly woman. I was learning that God loved me with a gentle delight, especially when I relied on his strength.

During this time, I found myself having a new interest in men, and began spending time with them in group situations. Then, in mid-1991, I began dating John; a man in my church who likes me had come out of homosexuality. On December 31, 1991, he presented me with a ring and asked me to marry him. We were married the following July. I kept looking happily at the ring, thinking, "Wow! Me married!" I was filled with joy as God established something so beautiful and holy in our lives.

Since then, God has used John to comfort me and to confront areas of distrust in my life. This has been difficult, but the Lord has been faithful to fulfil his promise to heal, even when the process is uncomfortable. I am so glad that my Father took the time to unearth the hurts that held me back from growing into godly femininity. Now I don't need to compare myself to other women and don't seek to gain femininity from them through emotional dependency or homosexual relationships. My identity is secure as a woman because I know Christ.

Delivered From Drugs and Homosexuality
(Name Withheld)
I am 28 years old and currently a student at a Bible Institute. At the age of four I was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy which in my case effects my walking and balance. I am the oldest of four and the only boy. I never had a real father figure because my dad was always working.

As I grew older, I felt rejected, lonely, unloved, and not able to fit in with others. At the age of twelve I became curious about other guys and girls but more toward guys. Today, as I look back about four to five years, I can remember the times of depression, self-rejection, rejection from others and loneliness. Around age twenty-two, I met a girl who seemed to like me for who I was. We became a combination of close friends and boy/girl friend. Later, I discovered from her parents that she was involved in an inter-racial relationship. You can imagine how I felt thinking she was using me as a cover-up to her parents.

This situation hit at a bad time with my struggling with attractions to the same sex, depression, and rejection. I decided to lay off the ideas of finding a companion and spend some time trying to find myself.
About a year later, I became involved in telecommunications. I was still confused about life. I started working at a local video store just to keep busy. There was a guy there I had been conversing with through telecommunications. I began to share my confusion with him. One night he stopped by the store and gave me a few diskettes.

This was my first time to meet him in person. I was hungry for people to hang around but when I looked at him there was a strong eye contact, which was a strange feeling at first. He never told me what was on the diskettes. They contained gay computer pornography. I won't go further into the friendship with this person because it's not important. As I drew deeper into the gay lifestyle and pornography, my mind was more and more on sex and I began to lust over any young guy. I went to bars almost every other weekend to take my mind off things. Relationships faltered, both gay and straight.

A close friend of mine knew of my messed up life. She invited me to go to church with her. I was very hesitant at first but agreed. That night was such a wonderful night of discovery. The people there greeted me with open arms and hugs, people who never even knew me. This was on a Wednesday night.

The following Sunday night I went with this friend of mine again. There was a sweet peaceful feeling there. A feeling I had never felt before. The peace was so strong I cried in relief and lifted my hands to the Lord. When I met the Lord, He filled me with peace and just loved me like everyone else.

As of March 1996, I am four years old in the family of God. Today, I am free from pornography, alcohol and homosexual desires. I do not believe a person is born gay. A homosexual is kind of like an alcoholic; it's a sexual addiction for guys. I don't speak just to homosexuals but anyone who is into drugs, drinking and sexual activities. You can try as hard as you want to break free but you will never succeed on your own. There is one way and one way only and that is through Christ. I've been there.
During my four years as a Christian, I have had my share of down falls but I keep pressing on for Jesus. As of this day, I must crucify the old nature on a daily basis and thank God for another day of walking in victory!