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ABUSE I asked him, "If you only had five minutes with a total stranger to impact their life, would you share this business or your friend Jesus with them? He answered a little like Jesus would have. "What do you think is more important?" I answered, "I think if I only had five minutes, I would share Jesus. And I think that while ever I am in this business I will have a conflict." He smiled broadly and tapped my shoulder. "You should follow your heart then Matthew" And with his position and his authority he gave me the permission to leave that business on the wayside. I loved that man, he had impacted my life in many ways, but the freedom I felt when he set me on my way made me grateful for years. At the time this happened, to give you the reader a little perspective his personal worth was about a hundred million dollars. I have met quite a few wealthy men in my travels and each of them has impacted my life in a special way. Each of them who had climbed from humble positions knew what it was like to still work for a living, and each of them still had their own personal struggles. But the man who has impacted my life more then any of these guys is a man called Jesus Christ. At the tender age of eight I invited Him to reside in my heart and He sent His spirit to live within me. As a child with a child's simple belief and innocence I believed the promise that He would never leave me nor forsake me. Since I was at that age, I have had many things go wrong. A popular myth in the world is that once you become a Christian life is rosy and everything is fine. Another myth is that people who follow Jesus don't sin anymore. Jesus says in Revelations when he is addressing a church that they should buy gold that is purified in the fire. He goes on to say that He disciplines those he loves. My life has seen some of that refining fire. At fourteen I was abused sexually, by eighteen I had attracted so many guys that I was beginning to believe the lie that I was gay. My first sexual experience was with a guy twenty years my senior; my first sexual experience with a woman was a Kings Cross prostitute. Though I had a friend in heaven, I was a lonely broken individual on earth. I went from prostitute to guy, to a girl I could get the natural way, to prostitute and the cycle went on for years until I met a young girl that I fell in love with and married. But the marriage wasn't timed to impress others, nor was it after a courtship that was long, but it was to happen before her stomach showed that she was pregnant. In my wedding bed and the years later I was to find that my wife too had been sexually abused as a child. I learnt that the tears my father cried on my wedding day were not of joy, but of sorrow as he saw his son making a commitment that he knew one day would end in sorrow. No, inviting Jesus into ones heart doesn't stop mistakes, nor does it give you someone to hold in the middle of the night and to stroke you when you weep. As was expected I lost my wife, and soon after she I went searching for love in many places and underneath it all I simply wanted to be accepted and made to feel normal in a world that is far from normal. I sat in church as a youth disgusted with what men had done to me trying to fathom how God could allow it and how I was ever going to get rid of the memory. I listened to a guy who was once gay share his story how Jesus had healed his pain and now he was happily married and a glimmer of hope entered my soul. Though I could never approach this man and tell him my stuff. So how does a divorced, broken, prostitute addicted guy share the liberation of Jesus in his life with others? Well first he has to get up and fix some things. After my wife left me I stood on a mountain- top and cried out to Jesus, "Why have you let the desire of my heart escape and leave my life?" He answered as a thought in my mind. "When I am the desire of your heart and I am the first in your life, I will restore you with someone." Now that may seem very simple. Simply say Jesus I love you. But the creator of the universe isn't very easily fooled. He knows when we have Him at the very center of our thoughts and desires. He knows the intentions behind all our actions. He searches the hearts of all men. He isn't fooled by someone going to church on Sunday, then walking past the beggar on the street without a glance. He isn't fooled like we tend to fool ourselves. Is it easy to submit to Jesus will in your life? I can say for me it has taken a very long while to stop trying to address my own needs and desires and place them all in His hands. I can't say that may be the way for every Christian. Just finding out what God wanted me to do with my life took me twenty-four years. I am encouraged by the story of Abraham, when God promised him a son. It took over twenty years for his wife to conceive. In modern times the couple would have had IVF long before that! I have forgiven my abusers with the power from Jesus. I have found my purpose in life. I have found a love for myself from my identity in Jesus and know that I am important to Him and to others. Through divorce, I learned how having loved a person and lost them makes God feel about the world that doesn't love Him. Through losing my son, I can relate to other fathers who have suffered the same plight. Through my sexual abuse I have compassion and understanding for others who like me that have suffered. Through a couple of breakdowns and a mental illness, I have come to a deeper understanding how strong the mind can be, and the very good role doctors can play on earth. I understand that simply saying Jesus loves you to some one, who is starving without feeding them, is faith without works and dead. Just as I understand denying your ear and your hugs to a person craving love and acceptance is also a faith that lacks understanding. Some folk just can't sit and sing songs, listen to a message and go a week between church services and heal their life. They need love, acceptance, understanding and empathy. Unlike what may be preached leaving the vices of gambling, drinking, sexual sin, sexual addictions behind can be quite hard. Being addicted to things doesn't take you to hell, for I am sure many will die who have sincerely given their lives to Jesus but haven't found the inner strength to leave them behind. I was in my addictions for many years. The good news is this. With men things may be impossible. But with God all things are possible. Jesus showed his love in this way, that whilst we were still sinners, He bled and died for us. I know it has taken me more then five minutes to share with you. It's taken me a lifetime to write this story and it's a life I am happy I have lived. I can honestly tell you that given time and the love of real people, you too can recover. My life confirms it! You can contact me at my web address or read more tesimonies and articles.
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