His voice was so far away

At the time I had a great job, drove a cute car, lived near the beach, yaddie yadda..dated rich men... was deep into mental anguish of torment from the bulimia, from the fornication... i had many 'open' relationships, some even got highly paid for some. All shameful stuff. Oh. I was trying to attend church on Sundays with a friend. Craziness.

Deep in sin, much deception abounded in my life. The grip of God was upon my life, yet His voice was so far away. I never thought I could conceive a child since it just 'never' happened and should of many a time. Then one day, it happened. She came into this world and I had to make a choice to change or kill this child by my obsessed out-of-control life. How does a bulimic have a baby? The fear of it growing inside and my body getting huge was beyond my grasp. POWER TO CHANGE. Abortion thoughts condemned my mind to madness. My only choice was to seek God and find out how to be His child and how to heal to have this baby.

New Life Beginnings is a mother's home for women to go and have their baby in a controlled environment. Just what I needed! And, they taught the Bible daily. It was here I surrendered. Got christian counseling. Met the director, Rebecca Younger who touched my life deeply. She is the woman who fasted for me.

Because I was honest about my sin, I confessed it. Now I had people watching over me who cared. This helped me NOT to want to indulge in secret. It felt so safe. So, only once while pregnant did I purge after a bout with anger.. the guilt was so heavy. The baby kicking inside.. oh how my heart hurt to cause her any stress. This stopped me from ever doing it again. That experience was repentance. From the moment I entered the home, I ate perfect for the baby. Absolutely nothing with sugar, corn syprup etc. that wasn't 'healthy' entered my body. This would later be a detriment as my daughter now has food allergies to these types of foods because of my extremeness.

The classes on parenting taught me a lot. Most eating disorder people like us read far too many labels.. so I did become an expert on ingredients, nutrients etc. Perfect amounts of protein, carbs etc. This baby was going to be perfect.

The bad dreams also went away. Real life dreams of re-living the behavior of stealing food, binging in secret, gluttony at it's worst.

My baby was born perfect. I couldn't believe I deserved her yet she was my gift. The eating disorder no longer had a place in my life because I sought God daily in worship, prayer and the Word of God filled my thoughts... I too was becoming whole and perfect in the Lord.

Still the devil had me bound in depression. This was broken after the fast I told you about and this is when I say the 18 months of healing was complete.

Not long after, against wise counsel I left the home and ventured out to find my daughter a father. This would prove to be another bad choice outside of God's will. We are all learning right? He takes us step by step. The Lord brought me back to safety and still inside I'm learning how to trust in Him. I've seen the depths of hell in my life and know God's hand is never too short. Fear God. He does chastise those whom He loves. So fear Him. Obeying My Heavenly Father is the fruit to a healthy pure life free from all sorts of torments the devil would throw our way. It's a process. Wherever your at today remember, the Lord loves you and fights for you. Surrender, give your life entirely to Him. Read His Word, love Him like your life depends upon this entire truth. He will touch you and you will be used to touch many for the kingdom.
Because of Jesus,
MaRisa
realtor4christ@adelphia.net