im a horrible backslider...for the past 3 years i had strongly believed that it is to late to be forgiven, as i had a good understanding of scripture but would tell God "ill repent later"..God was patient with me for about 4 years.
Then in 2011 i finally "reaped what i sowed". for about 4 or 5 months i was terribly terrorized by satan in a way that the human mind can't even understand. I can't even speak of it in detail.
I was forced to believe that I was going to hell with no way out and would have visions ALL day long of what hell was going to be like. this was the only reason why I didn't hang myself. i wished for death but death fled from me. the only thing I could do was keep myself asleep as much as possible. but as soon as i would wake up satan would attack me. i was hospitalized and placed on anti psychotics that made me drowsy and made the mind even easier for devils to toy with. I didn't think it was EVER going to end. i pleaded with Jesus to rescue me but he didn't come to my rescue this time.
Throughout those 5 months i would even run down the street in the middle of the night saying "this can't be happening" over and over.
Leviticus 26:17 "I will turn against you, and you will be defeated by your enemies. Those who hate you will rule over you, and you will run even when no one is chasing you"..(I'm not sure if I interpreted this verse correctly but it was very similar to my situation)
Everything that was happening to me was written in the bible throughout the OT and even in Revelation. finally it ended and of course i returned to my awful sins because i was convinced that i could no longer be saved. of course i still looked for hope but there was none whatsoever. i was filled with doubt. i knew i was on my way to hell. i accepted it.
Until one day in January 2012 i was up committing more sins and something terrifying yet something familiar happened. I felt this horrible presence of evil take over my mind and my spirit. I knew it was happening again. this horrible panic attack. i was seeing the devils face appearing wherever I looked. and I was once again being tortured by him.
He told me that he chose me out of all mankind to be in the lowest darkest parts of hell where he himself will be, and that I was going to be tortured much worst then everyone else. and that supposedly my life was designed in a certain way by him so that this would happen. and it made so much sense. he then said that Jesus gave him permission to do this to me because i had turned away. then i was forced to believe i had seconds to live.
For about 3 hours I was tortured so badly that I eventually told my grandpa to call an ambulance (he has BAD Alzheimer's and can't really talk) but he looked at me and saw the terror in my eyes and said "SAM WHATS WRONG!" he then went upstairs to tell my grandma.
I decided before I went to the hospital that I was going to ask Jesus to deliver me. I bowed my head in prayer and said "please Jesus, he is doing terrible things to me" my head lifted up and I saw my grandfathers Jesus cross on the wall. then i had a glimpse of the spirit of Christ. he had so much compassion for me (i was under mind control and was forced to see Jesus as mean and angry and condemning) but in surprise i saw that he was gentle and loving.
After I had the glimpse of Christ, I said to myself that he is definitely willing to heal me..my faith came back, problem is, is that within seconds I can doubt again. So Jesus INSTANTLY placed his hands on me and cast the demons out, tears poured out of my eyes. (I haven't cried since I was about 5 yrs old) and I thanked him over and over. it was the greatest experience of my life, Jesus knew exactly what he was doing....
Psalm 50:15 "And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me."
However I returned to sin.
Hope returned that I could still be saved and forgiven and even now more evidence keeps coming to me.
Please keep me in your prayers. im scared im going to get "attacked" and tortured by the enemy again and this is a very scary experience for me.
I am learning to overcome these doubts and i believe Jesus will work this out for me. if you are someone who is going through something similiar, please feel free to e-mail me. we can get through this together.