My life story of abuse

The evil fortuneteller’s voice rang out, slicing me like a knife, cutting deep into my soul. "GIVE HER TO ME…IF SHE WAS ON MY SIDE, AND WORK WITH ME, WE CAN HAVE STRONGER POWER AND WORK MUCH EVIL AGAINST PEOPLE, WORKING CURSES.” He was looking at me with his dark, beady little eyes as if they were piercing right through me. I pulled back and held onto my mother’s hand tightly. I cried out, “No!” with a loud voice. My mother just stood there, saying nothing in my defense. The silence was loud. Why wasn’t my mother protecting me? Why did he only want me? Why didn’t he want any of my other brothers or sisters? As he stared at me I shivered with fear. I told myself, “I don’t want to be given to this scary, evil man.” I was afraid of him, and he knew it. He pointed his finger at me and said to my mother, “She is afraid of me,” letting my mother know that he knew this too. I didn’t trust him. He looked evil, and I knew that he was up to no good…always talking about death. He was the most evil and wicked man that I had ever met in my life.

Looking back through the generations of my family’s history (as far back as I can remember), there has always been abuse, rejection, evil, hatred, division, and constant fighting, to say the least. It was much easier to hate and fight each other than it was to love one another; love was the hardest thing to do in our family.

Hatred and division was the norm in our family. Affection was not natural.  
The sad thing about it was that no one in the family wanted to break or change this vicious cycle of warring, hatred, and division that plagued the family. Each family member took pleasure in the division, strife, and constant fighting among themselves. Everyone hated everyone. It was as if each generation was cursed. That’s just the way it was, and no one truly knew why. My grandmother and Aunt were just as wicked, mean, and hateful as my own mother was; my great grandmother was also very mean and hateful throughout the years too.

This curse of hate, abuse, evil, and rage that has plagued my family from one generation to the next raced through the family tree like a raging fire. My mother was the main one who fueled the fire of hatred, abuse, and division in the family…burning anger in our soul, crippling love, destroying harmony, killing peace, and happiness; leaving all in my family wounded, and hurting.  
It seemed there was no way anyone could stop this raging fire that was out of control.

The division was also brought on by the fact that there were three different fathers in our family, which consisted of ten children, six girls, four boys, and I was the middle child. The first four oldest brothers and sisters were by the man who was the only one ever married to my mother. Apparently he never lived in the house because he and my mother had been separated for years. The father of my younger brothers and sisters didn’t live with us either until he moved into the house (which was in the early 1960s.) The man who was my father I only saw once for a brief moment when I was around eleven years old. The only things my mother told me about him was his name, that she was twenty-five years old, and that he was nineteen when she got pregnant by him. I was the only one in the family who had a different father than any of my brothers and sisters, which brought more fighting between the other family members and me.

Even though this cycle of abuse, hatred, and division continued throughout my family, all I wanted to do was love them, but I needed their love in return as well so that we all would be loving toward each other. I never wished evil on anyone. I wanted the best for everyone in my family. I was hoping they would see that love was a better choice. These things would bring peace, love, joy, and unity in the family and give us a better life. Then we could be like other families who would be loving, caring, and get along with each other. I was also hoping that love would break through, that it would spread and smother the raging fire of hate that has killed (both physically and spiritually) so many in my family; a love that would flow down through the ages and change things for future generations. No matter what, I wasn’t going to stop or give up loving my family, and I never have even to this day.

It was my mother who continued to promote this cycle of abuse, hatred, and division even after I was born. In 1950 I was born in a doctor’s office, yet all my brothers and sisters were born at home. After I was born, my mother then took me home in a taxicab the same day. She never took me into the hospital that day (or any day) for a “well baby check-up ” or follow up on my health to see if I was healthy or not. Basically she had me at the doctor’s office then we went home. It made no sense because back in those days hospital visits were free for the mother and the baby.

When I was a little girl my mother told me I was born with a veil over my face. She said the doctor who delivered me told her I was a special child, that babies who are born with a veil over their face are able to see things in visions and dreams. She said that the veil was like a white, thin skin that seemed similar to the thin, white skin inside an eggshell. I didn’t know what she meant by what she said. After she told me these things, questions started flooding my mind: What would be the purpose of the visions and dreams? What will these dreams and visions reveal to me? I didn’t understand. Will they show me how to protect my family and myself from the constant fighting and division that went on each day among the family members? Would the visions and dreams show me that I would be the one who would break the cycle of this curse that was destroying my family? Would they change my family to love one another, to be a family with unity instead of being divided? I wondered if the visions and dreams would have a purpose in my life…but what purpose? From that day forward my mother said that I was different, and called me her strange child. She called me that name because out of all the children she gave birth to, I was the only one who was born with a veil over my face.

As I grew up my grandmother would tell me stories of how my mother did things to hurt me when I was a toddler. She said that my mother would abuse me by feeding me with hot food to burn my mouth, and then she would turn her backside into my face to reject me. Like I said earlier, my grandmother was just as evil as my mother, so she didn’t care that my mother was abusing me. It was the norm between all the family members. Not only did my mother hurt me by the things she did to me, but she also hurt me by the things she didn’t do. For instance, she never took me to the dentist. I never went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned, never went for a dental check up, neither did I ever get a cavity filled. Not only did my mother fail to take me to the dentist, she never took me to the doctor either. I never was taken to the hospital for a medical examination even when I was in need of medical attention. My mother never took a single picture of me when I was growing up, so I don’t have any pictures of myself as a child. No matter what she did, her intentions were to hurt me, and because of her lack of love, and the rejection she showed me, I suffered many sicknesses, which attacked my body through out my life.
Medical attention was one thing my family never received. Then came the day when I severely needed it because I almost died. One summer afternoon when I was around three years old, my older brother and I were playing in a house that had been burned. Even though the house was condemned and unsafe to go into, we went in anyway. As we were playing in the house, something went wrong – the house collapsed on me and I was buried beneath wood, bricks, and lots of debris. My brother (who escaped unharmed) ran across the street to Joe’s Market and told the storeowner what had happened. Mr. Joe and my brother ran over to the collapsed house and dug me out of the debris. The ambulance arrived and took me to the hospital.

I made the news, and I was on the front page of the local newspaper. My body was damaged all over – both of my legs were temporarily paralyzed, I had a deep crater ripped out of both my thighs, and the flesh on my legs was ripped away. Before the doctors could complete the medical care I fully needed, my mother came to the hospital and took me out.

At the time the house fell on me, my mother was gone on one of her drinking binges. She was a severe alcoholic. No one knew where she was (as usual).  
Eventually someone found her in a tavern and told her what had happened to me. When she came to the hospital to get me, the doctors repeatedly warned her not to take me out of the hospital. They pleaded with her to leave me in their care. They were afraid that if I didn’t get the medical attention I needed, I would either get pneumonia or die from my injuries. My mother immediately took me out of the hospital even though it was against the doctor’s orders. I don’t know how long I was in the hospital, but it didn’t matter. She wanted me out. Because of her decision, I have suffered excruciating pain all over my body, even to this day. Even though I had injuries all over my body, the worst of the pain has been in both of my legs, and in my back the pain has never completely gone away…some days are better than others.

The reason my mother gave me for taking me out of the hospital so fast had to do with a “vision.” In her vision she saw me at a cemetery with a black cloth covering my whole body, which to her represented death (at least that is what she said). Since I was in the hospital suffering a near death injury, she believed in her mind that by taking me out of the hospital she was saving my life from the doctor, and from the medical care they were giving me. My mother never liked hospitals. She has no confidence in any medical profession. She thinks all doctors are bad, and doesn’t trust any of them.  
Even so, who in their right mind would take a child out of a hospital, especially a child that is severely injured and in need of urgent medical care? I believe she took me out of the hospital because she didn’t want me to live. She never wanted me (or anyone in the family) to have the proper medical care that was needed. I believe that there were other reasons why she wanted me out of the hospital too – she didn’t want me to have three hot meals a day, nor did she want me to be in a clean environment. She didn’t like the fact that I was being taken care of or that I would be eating good food, to say the least.

My mother had a deep hatred for me, and she did many things to hurt me throughout my life. Out of all the children in the family, I was never accepted. She rejected me and showed me no love throughout my life. My mother knew God’s hand was upon me, but even so she sought out to destroy my life any way she could. All my life she treated me differently than my brothers and sisters as if I were an outsider, as if I were invisible. I never felt welcome or safe in any of the places I lived in with my family. She was never affectionate, never hugged or touched me in a loving manner throughout my life.

The only thing she was interested in was drinking and getting drunk. When she wanted to drink, my mother would leave the apartment and be gone for days or weeks at a time. Eventually she would come home…drunk. She would stay for a while and then she would be off again to who knows where. She was more of a transient than a mother. I didn’t miss her when she was gone, but when she was home I wanted her to stay. I would wish that my mother would go to sleep…sleep so she can be home more so I could see her, and that she would stay home for a long time. I figured maybe if she stayed home more maybe she would change her life, stop drinking, and be a mother to us, but she never changed.

 TENT MEETINGS..

The things that I experienced at the tent revivals were things I didn’t have at home, and I looked forward going to each revival that came into town. Since I was in my teen years, I was freer to move about, and therefore I went to each revival that came into town. Every time I went to a tent revival I would feel loved. I also learned why I was singled out for the work that God had called me to do. I learned that God had his hand on my life; that God would use me to reveal these dreams and visions to my family hoping to break the curse. From then on I became hungrier for someone to love me. I needed real love, a true and deep love, a love that will love me for who I am. I was open, trusting, and vulnerable because I did want to be loved. I also needed revival from the pain my mother brought into my life.
 
The Evangelist quoted the scripture verse John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”  And then he gave an alter call to those who wanted to accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior. I wanted this kind of Love from God, I wanted to be his child.  Then I went up to the front where the Evangelist was; I prayed and asked Jesus to come into my life to be my personal Lord and Savior.  After the tent revival was over, I went home feeling like there was hope for my family and me.
Looking back on my life, I needed the love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness to deal with the difficult issues in my life that I was going through that had been inflicted upon me from both my family and others outside my family. But what I received was so much more than I could imagine I also received:
 
Love – that has power, that is self sacrificial, a love of choice, a love of devotion, a healing love, a love that heals my heart, a love that takes away the pain, the anger, and the depression, and brought restoration to my soul, a love that brought forgiveness so that I can become whole and continue to forgive others, and overcome the pain that was crippling my life.
 
Joy - that brought happiness and a sense of well-being, a gift from God that restored my life.
 
Peace – that gave me inner calmness, and confidence in myself.
 
Patience - that gave me the ability to forgive, and endure injuries inflicted upon me by others, and the willingness to accept irritating or painful situations.
 
Kindness – that gave me a tender concern for others, reflected in a desire to treat others gently.
 
Goodness – moral, and spiritual excellence manifested in active kindness.
 
Faithfulness – that brought loyalty and trustworthiness toward others.
 
Gentleness – which is a meekness that gave me a humble and gentle attitude that is patiently submissive in every offence, while having no desire for revenge or retribution, and to have consideration for others.
 
Self-control – trying to be self-restrained, and not allowing myself to be controlled by my pain or the difficulties that were trying to destroy my life.

These were the things that I needed, which were a blessing to me, and others.  I did not receive these gifts from having money, prosperity, success, material things, or being a good person, I also knew the things of this world weren’t going to give me a better life, Peace, Joy, Happiness, or Comfort – I received these blessings from God through His love, and His power, when I asked Jesus Christ into my life as my Lord, and Savior when I was twelve years old.
 
I received these blessings in my heart by praying:
 
“Dear Lord Jesus,
I know that I am a sinner and need your forgiveness.  I believe that you died for my sins, I want to turn from my sins.  I believe you died on the cross, and shed your blood for me.  I now invite you to come into my heart and life.  I now trust and follow you as my Lord and Savior.
In Jesus name I pray these things.  Amen”
 
After I received Jesus into my life as my Lord, and Savior, my fears were turned into peace, my impatience turned into patience, my pain turned into joy, and gave me His love.  And He restores me each and everyday, as I live for Him.
 
John 3:16
For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

John 10:10
The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.  I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

John 14:6
Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me.

Ephesians 2:8-9
For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.

If you want to contact me or have any questions about my life or the book, please write me at:
mamapleaseloveme@yahoo.com
 
And please visit my web page at: http://mamapleaseloveme.blogspot.com